Dear potential clients…
There are NO slaves or ‘servants’ in Doula-Land. Slavery, ended in which century again? That’s right.
The problem I think comes when people have no idea who/what a doula actually is or what she does. Aside from a Doula not being a medically trained person, they do not check for dilation, they do not measure your blood pressure.. they also do not mind-read. You can not expect people to read your mind because you have paid them
Bear with me…
There has been a lot of media slapping on the idea of ‘doula is a word derived from Greece meaning ‘woman’s servant’ that gives folk the wrong idea. Let me start with why that notion of ' ‘a woman’s servant’ is problematic
Some people look for Doulas with an idea that because they are not medically trained they are the poorest people, so they will hire them and treat them as third-class citizens because they are paying them. I will speak for myself on this one. Whilst I know there are Doulas that do the work to put bread on the table, there are the likes of myself who don’t. I am not ashamed to say it actually. I do not Doula to put bread on my table. I do the work because I love doing it. I enjoy meeting people from all walks of life and walking a life-changing experience with them. STOP treating people with disrespect because you feel like you are doing them a favor hiring them
Some hire doulas with the idea that because they have hired you, you should do exactly as they say. Whilst the doula works to follow in your steps and provides the education so that you can make informed decisions, they are again not your slaves to treat them however you like to.
How can we strive to work together on a level of mutual respect and understanding whilst creating a ‘team’ that is present to help you achieve your birth?
Start with respecting people. You can not treat people like trash and expect them to go an extra mile for you. Respect is both ways and it is the only way things work. When you finally come to have to need childcare you will learn that unless you respect people, meaning even the least educated babysitter you will hire, nobody will avail themselves to you. Why should they?
Pay them their worth. If she has listed her packages with price tags, choose one that you can afford. Don’t question why she charges Xyz because she may have taken a lot of training to get to the level she’s at. Training costs money, gas or petrol costs money and so do childcare costs too. You cannot expect people to rearrange their homes to come to you unpaid, do you? Pay them their worth. There is always room for discussion like payment plans but don’t be ridiculous with it either and pick a package, receive the service then start asking if you can pay them €50/a month instead. If you can not afford that doula, ask for student recommendations and pick someone you can afford
Communication is key regardless of how the birth pans out. When you do not communicate with people, how do you expect them to know what your needs are? Again, we do not mind-read! Expecting folk to be in your space tip-toeing about without a clear indication of what you expect of them, what you need, or what you expect is not what hiring a doula entails actually
Acknowledge people in your presence. Especially on the day of your birth. That does not mean, open a glass of wine and set a bowl of chips aside because ‘they have arrived’. Nobody in their right mind would leave their husbands or partners warmth (especially during the odd hours of the night) to come and spend the night in a stranger’s house. Behave like you have seen they dropped it all for you and they are present
Have some Decorum. It is the greatest virtue in life. Have some human understanding also. As parents-to-be, surely you could try and understand this part? Why would anyone leave their own children for however many hours, to step into space they are not only not seen, they are undervalued and unappreciated?. When people leave their own families to come and be of service to your family, be grateful. It is their job yes, but appreciate that they have left it all to come and be of support to you and your family. Let us stop this entitlement, dismissiveness, and disrespect
Midwives work their socks off to try and create memories for you. When they are in your space, acknowledge that they are there to support you. Whilst there are some women and couples with negative experiences with midwives.. there are those who are in midwifery because it is a calling. Who do the work because they strive for healthy families both mentally and healthwise too. Have some respect for the advice they are giving you. After all, they ARE medically trained to help women birth babies. Arguing about things for the sake of arguing because you can is not nice at all.
Feedback is both ways! Like in anything, you can’t expect to be the only one with something to feedback about. When you meet with the gynecologist after the birth of your baby, if you were disrespectful to her team, be sure you will hear about it. Nobody likes to be disrespected especially when they were trying to be helpful. Normalize hearing feedback because this life is a long journey. That is the reason you have the closing appointments to catch up on your experience. Be fair and listen to your Doula’s experience too. Normalize this behavior
